Thursday, January 14, 2010

My firstborn.

There is something extra special about a firstborn child. Not only has a child been born, but a mother has been born as well and for that gift of motherhood from Colby I am forever grateful.

When I think back to 7 years ago when my fist son was placed in my arms I felt a sense of amazement. He was absolutely perfect. I could not believe this little boy was mine! Though my pregnancy is something that sometimes I would like to forget, you would have never met a prouder mother.

I was 18 when I had Colby-practically a baby myself! :) And though he was not planned and though I faced much criticism, I was determined to be the best mother I could be. Colby and I moved out on our own when he was just 3 months old into a tiny studio apartment. It wasn't much but it was enough for us. I promised myself that I would only work the bare minimum of what was required of me to be able to pay what bills we had and still have some money for groceries and other living expenses. It was a simple life and one I often miss.

We had no cable, and for a while we didn't even have a phone, let alone a cell phone! We didn't even have a TV to watch movies! But I never felt that we lacked anything. I spent ALL of my free time with Colby and he came with me everywhere. We were the best of friends.

I remember the first time that I actually felt like a "mother". It's so silly, but when he was a little over 2 weeks old I went to the grocery store to pick up some items we needed and I spent all the extra money I had there (it wasn't much!) on a little book that had a baby on the cover that reminded me of Colby. It was called "I love you as much" and to this day, 7 years later, it still sits on his bookshelf.

I met Billy, who IS Colby's dad, though he is not "biologically" when Colby was 4 months old. I was not looking to date around or date anyone, I was content on just being the best mom I could be. But slowly and steadily Billy won me over by his love and devotion to sweet little Colby. He treated him as his son from day one and there are still sometimes to this day that I forget that Colby and Billy are not genetically connected.

Colby Bryce. I love you with all my heart. You are such a sweet and thoughtful child. You say the funniest things. Today you said, "Mom. At first when I woke up today I thought 'school on my birthday'? And I wasn't excited. But then in PE, I shot so many hoops, I really did feel like a birthday boy!".

I get choked up just thinking about having him and everything that surrounded that. Of course teenage, unwed pregnancy is by far nothing I would promote or recommend, the hurtful words that were said to me and about me from "friends" and family, I can still remember like yesterday. If only people could truly embrace the idea of loving that God has called us to. I already knew I was wrong. I already knew I had sinned. And I thank God that I had the courage to face the judgement of others and give my son LIFE instead of opting for an abortion. I think because I was made to feel so bad during my pregnancy is why I have a love and passion for CELEBRATING babies no matter the circumstance into which they are born. They are new life. I really wish no mother ever feels the way I felt when I pregnant. I am glad the second I saw my son that I realized none of that gossip mattered.

What others wanted me to feel ashamed for ended up being the best thing to ever happen to me.

Happy Birthday son. I will always be your best friend.

*on a separate note, I did want to say that there are a couple people who loved on me during my pregnancy and I just wanted to note that...Katie Joyner (Smith), Grant Joyner, and my sister Tabitha. Thank you for lightening my burden during that time!


Stephanie said...

What a GREAT FIRST POST! Happy Birthday Colby!

Jacklyn and the Johnson Boys said...

WOW!!! I'm in tears!!I'll say it AGAIN TIFFANY...those are some LUCKY little boys you have!! You are one amazing mama/woman!! XOXO

EMILY said...

Wow! So true! I totally agree with you on that! I've had another close friend that found herself in the same position (pregnant and not married) but LOVE and SUPPORT was all that she needed. I'm so sorry that you ever faced those trials, but I know that you are so blessed today and 7 years ago so blessed for choosing LIFE! Happy birthday Colby!! What a great reason to CELEBRATE!!!

Mama Mia! said...

oh goodness, Tiffany. That was so touching and your heartfelt sincerity has left me speechless. Nothing like your firstborn - and there's something a mom and her son. Max steals my heart everyday and is the love of my life. I pray for a Billy to love my babies as much as he loves me! Love you Tiffany - you're courageous and honorable.

Tiffany said...

Um. I don't even know what to say?! Thank you all for your comments and to those of you who wrote me on fb.

You really made me cry! It is sometimes hard for me to lay to rest those chains I felt around me when I was pregnant. I truly felt like I should be wearing a big poster that said "unwed and pregnant" or "unloveable" or maybe "sinner!" okay. Maybe I needed like a sandwich board with a 3rd sign on my head! :)

I am so touched by your comments and your love and your acceptance of me! Too often I feel like I need to earn love and I forget that God just loves us because :) Of course we can not earn His love. He loves us simply because we are His children and I am glad that all of you have reflected His heart to me.

I wish I had better words than Thank You. Your kindness is something I will always carry with me in my know the place that you store special memories...memories that can feel to precious to share less they be cheapened by our lack of words to show gratitude or express how special those memories are.

And know he's coming! I know there are men just secretly lined up to earn your heart and those of your beautiful children...they are just waiting I can feel it! And that will be one blessed man. You are a treasure all on your own and the man who can call you his wife AND get to call Max and Mia his children...he will have won the lottery :)

And you are right...something so special about a mama and her son. I STILL love to look at Max's newborn photos. You both are glowing...okay, and I like that he looks extra Asian! :)

Anonymous said...

I am so very touched by your this post. I never knew your story and your struggle. I've always known you were a strong woman, but wow! You have endured so much & look how blessed your life is now! Congrats & overcoming & excelling! And congrats to your 3 little boys for having such a wonderful woman to call mama.

The Bee Hive said...

What a beautiful family you have! (and story for that matter)... and no baby yet... I would love to hear more about your vbac story! IF you have a spare moment (yeah right!), would you mind emailing me? I would love to hear it!

Thanks so much... and your boys, all of them, are sooo handsome!